Cheers and Good Health to you my fellow intellectuals! It is I, Professor Halbert of Extempory College's Ancient Linguistics Department. I have some foreboding intelligence that anxiety and discomposure compels me to disgorge into your hungry yet loyal ears. I have found proof, incontrovertible proof, that a supernatural cryptid BEAST lurks in our midst—and more then that; this creature is adored by a clan of thespians in our own garden state! This will constitute irrefutable authentication that Riddlesbrood is in fact a devious sect bent on nefarious melodramatic acts!
You see, I was going about my normal daily activities when a whim came over me to watch some random corporate training videos (A feeling that strikes me quite often). To further this urge, I borrowed a friend’s car, a 1977 Cadillac Coupe DeVille that he had lovingly restored. I did this so that I could peacefully enjoy listening to a Public Radio Station, whose programming is similar to corporate training videos AND the most reliable source of truth out there. As I was tuning in, I stumbled onto a commercial talking about a new show that the Riddlesbrood Touring Theater Company was putting on, a version of “Alice in wonderland”. Furthermore, they were rehearsing at that very moment. Once finding WHYY on the tuner, I heard that Russian disinformation was likely behind both the inflation and the gas prices….and it got me thinking….perhaps these tenebrious tragedians were clandestinely working for Vladimir Putin! In a flash of excitement I reached to turn up the volume but instead grabbed and fumbled the cigarette lighter. It fell on the floor and burst into flames! I jumped out of the restored classic just as it succumb to the glorious conflagration!
Fortunately, my valuable life was spared—a firetruck pulled up and hosed down my friends blackened wreck—and then me as well. The firemen (I apologize, I mean firepeople) left but before they did one of them mentioned that he worked at a station in Barnegat NJ, station 11 where there was a troupe of actors rehearsing Alice in Wonderland! Can you imagine my good luck?
With no transportation, and my friend threating to castrate me with a rusty butter knife—I decided to Uber over to this, so called, “station 11”. After I was dropped off, (refusing to tip as he did not wear an m95 mask) I snuck under a window, picked my nose and peeked in. That’s when I saw the truth of it!!! That night, I saw adults and many children inside jumping around and laughing. They were in a ritual like circle! Making strange gesticulations in an emotional frenzy and screaming some cult like utterance in a weird language. I overheard the rhythmic chanting of “ZIP”, “ZAP”, “ZOP” over and over—obviously some melodic mantra of devotion to a dark chthonic god (or perhaps a Russian agent). I would have stayed longer but I realized that I had stepped in the excrement of some feral creature. I tried washing my foot off in a nearby bird bath. Unfortunately for me, the cement bowl fell off and broke one of my toes…when I finally recovered I crawled under a bush as the cast was leaving for the night. Someone dropped a paper from their script and once they left I recovered it. There I found some strange writing that appears to be that Brooding script that has been my life’s work to uncover.
Chaabuhrwakee Ga · The Jabberwocky
Brilig eram, daebuh tofo slaithee ga
Aikeed ee’gimbel’awyaa waeb
Mimzee khogra eram barogofo ga
Daebuh momraalth autgraeb.
It was the Time of Choosing, and the slithery
Horn-Badgers, Spun and bored into the wet hill.
All of the Average Folk were wishy-washy,
As were the bloviations of The Man.
A’khlat aachaabuhrwak, oolshawkhesing
Naashkas ai’meeth, slaashkas ai’greeth,
A’khlat aadar feloogee, a’maubrooding
Peroonoo draugekae ga, ai’thleeth!
Beware the BigBad Boss, Sons of the Founder,
Jaws that bite, claws that grab,
Beware the raucous mob, and cast out
Those bitterly-angry wheezing minions
Fo egreeth iskeethee staizakhee fol
Raitlest’oodraet fo eegraukhing raigraw
Fo aidoogren’eedauthlishi awchee ilnateelee
Daeb’uhfloothlaakhtung aw tlau baw.
They grasped their vorpal swords
For a long time they sought the wicked enemy
They jokes with the crowd of giggling idiots
And disguised themselves in good thoughts.
Tootlend’uhfloothlaakhtung f’aw etsheloog uhfee
Chaabuhrwak ga chee loo ai aekhlaat
Eesed uhwifling aataw aasawnith taageezee
Uhbuhrbuhl otlai onathal bashen aat’
While hid as oafish travelers
The Enemy with eyes that burn
Came whiffling through the urban forest
Subjugating all as it came through.
Wen raich! Wen raich! Aataw, aataw!
Zekat staizakhee ga izaung!
Fo aazak aebashen, shenga chee floothlaakh basheln
Fo aamauplet otlai uhlzebir aitaung.
One two! One two! Through, through!
The deadly blades whooshed!
They killed it, and then with its head
They returned to camp, triumphant.
Hlai aazak sloo aachaabuhrwak ga?
Sloo’shleskazaetae faanseelh, otnadelthing zaneepdae!
O, haudrith plinthlae, kaaloo, kalae!
Fosh oohawtkeg otlai plinthlae.
Have ye slain your Arch-Enemy?
You artful weapons, you clever caravan!
Oh, joyful time, ye chivalrous and personable heroes!
He chortled joyfully.
Brilig eram, daebuh tofo slaithee ga
Aikeed ee’gimbel’awyaa waeb
Mimzee khogra eram barogofo ga
Daebuh momraalth autgraeb.
It was the Time of Choosing, and the slithery
Horn-badgers, Spun and bored into the wet hill.
All of the average folk were wishy-washy,
As were the bloviations of The Man.
Here is what i found on the page...as far as the faces!
I hope you enjoyed this translation of mine. Of course I can never be sure my efforts are exactly accurate, but I do believe that I got it mostly correct. I must leave you now, however, as I hear footsteps outside my cardboard home. It may be my exfriend….with his butter knife! Till next time! Au revoir!