As you all are aware, there have been a series of cultish and ineffable inscriptions that have been uncovered all over New Jersey and the lands beyond. These odd writings have been stumbled on in the most curious places; tavern rest rooms, highway rest stops, hotels, restaurants and nudist colonies….no sane man has, as yet, been able to make heads nor tails of it….except for me! My name is Dr. T. Halberd from Extempory College's Ancient Linguistics Department.
I now have clear evidence, in my possession, that this strange clan of ne’er-do-wells—the ones likely behind these writings, are indeed, traveling thespians of the most disreputable sort! Furthermore, I can prove it!
You see, I was walking into a Wawa convenience store during the lunch time rush (so that I could order my regular buffalo chicken shorty) when I noticed that the touch screen was out of order; furious at this offence, I immediately chastised the acne-covered, green haired, ‘Full-Figured’ woman behind the counter for her incompetence.
As I am a man of some esteem, I demand the respect and service to which I have become accustomed! Therefore, I let wag my fervent tongue dousing her with my rightful castigation's. However, just when I thought her ready to repent, she threw a jalapeno—hitting me straight in the eye…causing me to scream and wet myself. I ran for the restroom, but since it was one of those quaint ‘vintage’ Wawa’s there were none to retreat to. So I decided to cut my losses, buy my food and leave. So I got in line, and opened my coin purse (so I might relieve myself of the many nickels and pennies that I had) and began placing them neatly on the counter. Suddenly, a line of unwashed plebeians began to groan and make comments of the most undignified sort.
After only fifteen minutes, I was able to purchase my meal. Once outside, the angry mob accosted me, beat me up and left me for dead by the dumpster. But that is when I found it!!! Yes! On the side of the dumpster, was taped a flyer with the face of William Shakespeare upon it. I tore it off and on the back I found some strange markings roughly scribbled, and I recognized them immediately as the arcane and bizarre language of faces I had seen before. But after looking closely, I discerned that this was actually a translation of the famous Shakespearian play ‘As You Like It’ but more specifically the poem ‘All the Worlds a Stage’.
Here, let me show you:
As you can see, the English words are on the left, and the strange faces in the middle. But also on the right seems to be a phonetic writing using the Roman alphabet. As you can see this:
Otlai Ezuhled Druhnshoon Awtluht
se Wiliyuhm Shaekspeer
Nool de khogra aeram lodin
Daebuh yawbethe-yi-braubakha ga khogra yi kaadaa
Andlooloo ee aenduhtooroo aeram chee bashe
Daebuh tootlende wawrgil anatot
railed wen aelineke stoo
Skuhluh basheln aeram bae wirede sken
Wendesketleste auplen stikstir ga
Ai aw kawchoo kuhwiln aupit ee awtuhh
Shenga auplen suhnuhb ga ai uhdaeth
Ee doon finee ai aakesal
Uhkaetoth bashen otlai pelachimik
Maugrootau aastai ruhng ga
Shenga awlnan ga
Ai esar otlai hel
Tichee fleeyot lautle
Au eedaed bashen skau shakeng flilng basheln
Ai aeram raita ese achooloo grate
Daebuh chee huhnad belzeebosee
Bae drikstad khegi
Bae koreg zee-yi-thee
Othool odraet bashen otlai zee
Echi aw detaed zilng
Shenga khooflidthing ga
Chee wogeen tigee-yi-wae
Au otawnawmoolong tichee tuhbaun tlae
Chee loo stehlaa
Ee huhnad au aegimzik otlai neela
Raita ese suhnara zaneepdae
Ee doomoo bine
Ra anatot bashen aelinek ga
Wired ga khlobeddeske oonathal
Shenga railed ga shlauwizle chee heme thlaenamingee
Chee atgenthing thai zeboog
Ee ekar thai waedran
Elzaid basheln yuhneewizledingee
Raiwuhzle aeram hlaud staitlo moolo
Pa elzaidai basheln ai aeyeron
Daebuh hal basheln yawbethee moolo
Aiyoon denoo weeneed chaegee
Ee aeram tluht chee indthleeh
Aw iruhk tona
Tlande iton doom de grate aerenta
Oonathal chaegeed raichdeske ee buhlaak yeetaw
Zrachee thlee, zrachee loo, zrachee bril, zrachee khogragath.
This was what triggered the belief that these people are in fact actors, although certainly of a dangerous and secretive sort. I know this because on the flyer was also a bizarre symbol that i had seen before. I pray you all out there stay away from these strange thespians, or you may find yourself the but of their jokes!